i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
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I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
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that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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