6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
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i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
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true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
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