Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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