whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
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and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
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don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
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