Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
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He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
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I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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