I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Randomize