If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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