cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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