Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
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He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
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I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
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