I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
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