This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
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I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
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She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
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