She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
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I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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