I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
i will never coherently bang her
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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