hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
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He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
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the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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