I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
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I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
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The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
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