I'm gonna have a badass scar
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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