Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
you inspire me to be a worse person
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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