My sheets look like a crime scene.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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