The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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