You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
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The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
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Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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