i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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