I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
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Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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