All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
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Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
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No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
third nipple confirmed
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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