if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
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Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
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Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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