I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
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