I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
sarcasm needs its own font
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
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