The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
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I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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