I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
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I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
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Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
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