I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
whose ass print is on the piano?
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
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