Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
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That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
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I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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