I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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