I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize