If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
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I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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