Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
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my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
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I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
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