oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
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Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
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Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
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