I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
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It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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