I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
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Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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