I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
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She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
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I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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