make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
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You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
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I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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