i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize