when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize