he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
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Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
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Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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