When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
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dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
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There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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