We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
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