I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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