well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
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I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
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I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
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