you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
You need a sexual gate keeper
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
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