Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
My breath smells like gin and sadness
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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