Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
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my being single is dangerous.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
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Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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