i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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